Fiction

Going Parental
by Cheri Crenshaw

Brain blowouts continued to be a problem on Auralius, but new laws made it illegal for brain blowout casualties to be treated like newborn siblings. No fully brained Auraliun was allowed to consume the temporarily brainless on pain of reciprocation. Of course, when two brainless met—on the rare occasion when two grown Auraliuns did enough creative thinking at the same time to cause their brains to dislodge from their brain-stems, to slither down into their two-digited palms, and to explode from their fingertips to splatter their immediate surrounding with thinking matter—it was every Auraliun for itself.

Professor Udontsaaay Ittooften knew it had experienced a brain blowout, but after months spent recuperating–the time-honored rehabilitation involving watching American T.V. via galactic satellite—Udontsaaay grew a new set of brains and went back to teaching young Aurabiuns the eighty-seven rules of sibling eating. The sundowning that Udontsaaay returned to its classroom, Barnabius had glimmered woefully at its professor through its winking eyespots, still a little upset about being splattered in Udontsaaay’s brain accident—it was the forty-forth time Barnabius had been splattered by a professor’s brains and it was beginning to suspect a trend—but, as usual, it had burbled rudely through the professor’s lecture on Rule Fifty-five. Barnabius thus ran the risk of learning the penalty for eating siblings during smoking breaks the hard way. Not that the rule was hard to guess. The penalty for breaking any rule on Auralius was brain death. In other words, being splattered by Professor Udontsaaay’s brains hadn’t made a very big impression on Barnabius. An insulting attitude to say the least.

Udontsaaay sighed. It had been a long sundowning. Udontsaaay had caught Zeclec borrowing Barnabius’ right brain during the matching quiz on the 22nd through the 33rd rules of sibling eating despite the fact that every question had the same answer. Both youngers had failed the quiz anyway even while protesting the so-called trick answers because neither younger being in danger of braining anyone in its lifetime. Braining accidents were caused by thinking about things too much. Nonetheless, Udontsaaay had felt obligated to make an example of the cheaters and had confiscated both their brains for the evening. The two youngers, sustained by residual brain matter, drooled in separate corners of the classroom, green spit sliding down pale white skin and pooling in sticky globs on the red soil. Udontsaaay was tired of hearing the youngers’ brains whining from the lower left-hand desk drawer, but decided to wait until the pool of spit grew another epstec before reinserting the two youngers’ tiny brains back into the cavernous skulls.

Udontsaaay’s stomachs grumbled at one another, reminding Udontsaaay that it was probably irritable because it was starving. Udontsaaay’s parent had failed to produce enough siblings for breakfast for the fourth sundowning in a row.

But the worst thing about the sundowning was neither the cheating youngers nor Udontsaaay’s grumbling stomachs. The worst thing was that the Aurabiuns were trying out capitalism for the twenty-second time in ten centuries, but had, yet again, failed to provide adequate salaries for those who made their careers instructing youngers in sibling rules, brussel sprout art, and astrophysics.

Udontsaaay fingered the cash in its pocket. It had saved a few dollars from the twenty-first try at capitalism—which had ended in anarchy when the parents had gone on strike and refused to produce siblings because they felt that dental budgienists made too much damn money and why weren’t the siblingmakers of this great land compensated for their steady production of mouthbud-tingling siblings and so forth and so on blah, blah, blah. It had gotten so bad that youngers had ended up descending to parentabilism, and believe you me, parents are not exactly mouthbud-tingling appetizers. But the macabre consumption of parents reduced the number of producing parents, which in turn led to starvation across the planet.

At least, with the population reduced by one third, it was easier to find apartment space these sundownings.

Udontsaaay sighed again and decided to go rent an Aurabiun sibling flick. It needed to relax and maybe the flick would stimulate its parent into producing a nice-sized dinner. Capitalism or no capitalism, an Aurabiun’s primary ambition is food and lots of it. Udontsaaay opened its lower left hand drawer and lifted out Barnabius’ and Zeflec’s brains with its two-digited palms. The brains bounced up and down, excited to be returning to their natural habitat, however understimulating. Udontsaaay slithered over to the two youngers and, just for fun, stuffed Zeflec’s brain into Barnabius’ head and Barnabius’ brain into Zeflec’s head. Udontsaaay wiped a few streaks of stray gray matter off its palm and onto the top of Barnabius’ head and wondered how long it would take the two youngers to realize that their brains weren’t in the right heads.

Udontsaaay watched the youngers quickly slither away, wobbling as the brains took over interrupted motor functions. Oh, well. Udontsaaay’d switch the brains back around in a week or two. Maybe.

Udontsaaay slithered out to where its bubbler was parked, lifted the hatch, which leaned crazily to one side due to the rusted hinges on the ancient vehicle, and bounced into the seat. It pulled on the seat buckle to buckle itself in and the rotted fabric came apart in its hands.

Communism, capitalism, or outright anarchy, it didn’t matter. Professors never had nice stuff.

Udontsaaay bubbled across the planet, enjoying the sight of the triple Aurabiun moons, tiny and distant. It bobbed its eyespots at acquaintances, hungered at the sight of two youngers chasing a reluctant sibling, a sight that made its stomach gurgle, and hummed the Hymn of the Orgonians.

Neon signs greeted Udontsaaay at the corner of Eighth and Twenty-second. Siblings etched in neon lights peeked coyly from between the legstalks of a rotund parent who was winking lascivious eyespots in slow orange and blue motion.

Udontsaaay parked the bubbler on the cracked clay underneath a speartree, which waved yellow streamers in the gentle Aurabiun breeze. Udontsaaay drew in a deep breath, enjoying the artificial scent of fresh sibling blood that wafted through the atmosphere whenever someone opened the glass doors to the video parlor. Its mouthbud quirked in pleasure. Udontsaaay could feel its brains already beginning to relax. This had been a good idea. Udontsaaay was glad to have its brains back in working order.

The storefront windows had been blacked out, to save innocent parents’ eyespots from over stimulation, a leftover measure from when Aurabiun had been overpopulated. Of course, the parentabilism during the last bout with capitalism had solved that problem. Every younger Undontsaaay had met recently looked too skinny, white skins bagging down bare legstalks.

It slithered to the door, opened it, and bounced inside. It stood still, eyespots winking as they adjusted to the bright lights.

"Udontsaaay!"

"Udoosaaay!" Udontsaaay was pleased to see Udoosaaay, one of its former students, working at the front desk, although it did wonder why Udoosaaay had not followed its ambition to become a leader in pro-capitalistic academia. Udontsaaay decided it would be prudent not to ask it anything about that.

"How’s your parent? Producing satisfactorily?" Udontsaaay paused, wondering if it had been properly diplomatic. "I mean. Of course, you look lovely and round as usual."

It was true. Udoosaaay had plumped out to proportions reminiscent… Udontsaaay took a second look, rolling one eyespot closer to it. Udoosaaay looked almost parental.

Udontsaaay slid back, reaching for the door.

Udoosaaay rolled around the desk, its pale skin glimmering in the light. Its mouthbud flowered into a grin, displaying the beginnings of parental bicuspids.

Shit, Udontsaaay thought, regretting the capitalistic expression even as it thought it.

"You have cash?" Udoosaaay lisped. "We’re only taking cash right now. The fund-transfer system isn’t working." It undulated closer. Udontsaaay caught a wisp of sibling pheromones wafting through the air. It knew this was a trap but found itself reluctant to leave.

"Yes," Udontsaaay produced a wad of bills from a skin pocket. It waved the bills back and forth in the bright lighting—it wasn’t sure why.

Sometimes Udontsaaay forgot that it itself was a former sibling, now an elder-younger, who was less appetizing than most siblings since it was no longer a juicy, incoherent freshborn.

But elder-youngers who chose to evolve into parents sometimes developed eccentric tastes.

Udontsaaay had never undergone the change, though it was far past parental age. It took its parental-prevention pills religiously. Well, at least it did when its brains were intact.

Udontsaaay, regretting the necessity for rudeness, asked, "Udoosaaay, how old are you?"

Udoosaaay’s flowerlike mouthbud twitched with amusement, a movement that made Udontsaaay slither two epstecs backward. Udoosaaay slithered closer, then reached out and caressed Udontsaaay’s arm with a two-digited palm. "Two hundred and eighty three, more or less."

Udontsaaay flinched, wondering if it was less rather than more but stood its ground, inhaling deeply even while knowing it was a mistake. "You just seem rather…"

"Plump? Parental?" Udoosaaay eyespots jumped in amusement. "Udontsaaay…" Udoosaaay’s fangs peeped out from its mouthbud. Its digits curled into claws.

Udontsaaay turned to slither away, knowing it could move faster—if it wanted.

Udoosaaay’s claws latched onto Udontsaaay’s hide. Udoosaaay’s lips approached the opening to Udontsaaay’s brains at the bottom of its neck. Udontsaaay groaned, "Udoosaaaaaaay…" as it felt Udoosaaay suck its brains out.

Shit, was Udontsaaay’s brains’ last thought. We knew better.

After Udoosaaay was finished, Udontsaaay immediately felt the need to watch American T.V., so it rolled away from the soon-to-be parent and potential sibwithout a word and burbled home to wait for its brains to grow back one more time.

Maybe next time its brains would have more sense. But if Udontsaaay could have, it would have doubted it.