The Despicable Editor: Nightmare Elysium

Editor John Lawson takes a few moments out of his monotonous schedule to whisper bittersweet nothings in your cyber ear.

Dear Sirs and Madams,

Welcome to our first anniversary issue. When Carlton Mellick III asked Jen and I to restart The Dream People for Eraserhead Press, well, we weren't sure what to expect. I'm proud to report that we have not only worked with some of the best minds in underground publishing but, as you will see in this issue, we have greatly expanded.

Dear Madams.

During the last twelve months we have had the pleasure of publishing authors and artists from India, Australia, South Africa, the United States, Germany, Denmark, England, Canada, Scotland, and Japan. I can honestly state that these creative minds surprised me with the originality of their intense visions; I hope you feel the same.

Please explore the new Review and Interactive sections, and make sure to sign our mailing list to stay on top of all the Dream People happenings. Dear, kind Madams. Also you'll notice our new chapbook, The Best of the Dream People Poets, which features some of the most experimental poets we worked with during 2002. As with all merchandise, sales of the chapbook contribute to maintaining The Dream People. Noble Sirs.

Now that Jennifer functions as not only co-editor but as web master you can expect many interesting developments in our web features. In the meantime I wish you another year of disturbed dreams and beguiling fantasies.

Dearest Dears!

John Edward Lawson, editor

Ramblings From the Sanitarium

And now our eyes turn to that maverick literary icon dwelling in the shadows of the United Kingdom like some psychoactive fungus...The Dream Zone editor, Paul Bradshaw!

White Bread/Brown Bread
by Paul Bradshaw

The other day I happened to recall an incident that took place during my schooldays. I'm not sure why I got to be thinking about it; it just sort of popped up inside my head. I must have been around twelve years old at the time, and it was a sunny day, this I remember vividly. Miss Indefatigable, our teacher, was standing by the blackboard, wearing her black butterfly spectacles, which were so large that I often imagined her taking off and flying through the window and into the clouds.

"Now then, class," she said. "Who can tell me the difference between white bread and brown bread?"

Amy Gravedigger's hand shot up at once.

"Yes, Amy?" said Miss Indefatigable.

"White bread is white and brown bread is brown, Miss," squeaked Amy Gravedigger.

"You have excellent powers of observation, Amy. And yet, what would you say if I told you that you are wrong?"

"I would say that there is nothing wrong with my eyes and if I see something white in colour it is white and if I see something brown in colour it is brown, Miss."

"Mmmm, I see," said Miss Indefatigable. "Well, Amy, you arewrong.  White bread and brown bread are exactly the same!"

"There is nothing wrong with my eyes and if I see something white in colour it is white and if I see something brown in colour it is brown, Miss," said Amy Gravedigger.

Miss Indefatigable ignored her. Instead she grabbed a piece of chalk and scratched the word MASTURBATION on the blackboard in big letters. No-one was startled; she did this quite often.

"But, Miss," said Edwin Alcoholic. "How can that be so?"

"Let me explain, Edwin," said Miss Indefatigable as she got up and walked across to the blackboard once again. "First of all we must establish why brown bread was invented in the first place. Does anyone know this?"

Melody Impossible raised a pert little finger together with her left eyebrow.

"Yes, Melody?" asked Miss Indefatigable.

"Brown bread was invented as a substitute for white bread," Melody explained. "When there is no white bread available people have brown bread."

"Well done, Melody," said Miss Indefatigable. "That is exactly so. People have brown bread when there is no white bread. So let's say you walk into your local grocery store. You approach the bakery section. What do you see?"

"Bread!" the class members screamed in unison.

"Yes. What kind of bread?"

"Edible!" Pubert Niggerbator called out.

Miss Indefatigable sighed. "Think of colours," she said.

"White bread and brown bread," said Rastus Longfellow.

"Very good!" said Miss Indefatigable. "At least, you think you see white bread and brown bread. By the power of logic I can prove that these are not different but one and the same."

"How?" said Daisy Pussywillow, picking her nose.

"Okay," said Miss Indefatigable, using strange and overpowering hand movements. "We've established that brown bread is only available when there is no white bread. Well if this is correct the brown bread you think you see cannot exist because the white bread is there. So in this case the brown bread is indeed white. Do you agree?"

Her words were met with a collection of bland gazes.

"On the other hand," Miss Indefatigable continued, "if brown bread is on the shelves this means that there is no white bread available. So the white bread you think you see cannot be there if it is not available, can it? Therefore it is brown bread and not white, because after all brown bread was invented for people to eat when there is no white bread. Agreed?"

Silence engulfed the room.

"Miss?" said Travis Mushroom. "May I say something, Miss?"

"Of course you may say something, Travis," said Miss Indefatigable with a big smile.

"Your logic sucks big time, Miss," said Travis Mushroom.

Immediately Miss Indefatigable dashed behind her desk, pulled open a drawer, dragged out a revolver, darted down the aisle, and shot Travis Mushroom twice in the head. He gurgled a little before collapsing dead on to his desk top with blood leaking from a horrible head wound. Then Miss Indefatigable's butterfly spectacles started to flap quickly and in seconds she was in the air and smashing through the window and off in to the clouds. Two seconds later the bell rang for end of school.

* * *

When I got home Mother was in the kitchen peeling potatoes.

"Mother!" I said. "Did you know that white bread and brown bread are exactly the same?"

"What? Who told you that?" she yelled.

"Miss Indefatigable."

Mother stopped what she was doing and whizzed across the room to the bread bin. She tugged it open and grabbed the two loaves that were in there. One was white and one was brown; or were they? I wasn't sure any more. The more I gazed at them the two colours seemed to fuse into one. One second they were white and the next second they were brown. And as Mother took up the chopping knife and hacked them both to pieces I came to realize that Miss Indefatigable was the cleverest person in the universe. I was still thinking about this as I toddled off to my room to masturbate.