August/September 2004
Leviathan
Jester
had never seen babies on a rotisserie before. All the same, they were
no less appetizing. The food was really the only redeeming aspect of
these family get-togethers. Twice a year, everyone in the Autopsy family
would gather in Jester’s parents’ backyard to have a barbeque,
gossip, roast babies, and spread their lice. It was a family tradition.
But while everyone else chattered animatedly about
the latest additions to the family, new cars, their leviathans, and
so forth, Jester ate his baby in silence. He always felt left out at
these family functions, and the wormy meat was his only consolation.
They all seemed to have so much going for them,
and even at fifteen, Jester was already a disappointment. Aunt Christie
was a spy, Uncle Andrew had a new sports car, and even Cousin Whisker’s
leviathan was spawning.
Everyone in the Autopsy family received his leviathan
at the age of eight years, and was expected to raise it to maturity
in order to learn the family trade of leviathan farming. “After
all,” his father would say, “someone’s got to take
over the family business after I’m gone.” So Jester worked
his fingers to the bone raising his Leviathan, Flipper. He fed him,
lied to him, microwaved him. He’d done everything right, but Flipper
never grew. After seven years, he was still small enough to keep in
the bathtub. No one in the family had been able to shower since Jester
had gotten him. Once he had driven Flipper to Uncle Arnold’s marina
to try to breed him with one of his uncle’s leviathan cows, and
she had laughed them both out of the water. Flipper had turned pale
pink in humiliation, and his scales had been drooping ever since. Jester
tried without ceasing to cheer him up, to no effect. Jester became a
laughingstock, and was teased and taunted mercilessly.
Cousin Arpal sat down next to him, swinging her
catfish-colored pigtails merrily. "Can I sit with you?"
“You already have."
Cousin Arpal had just turned eight two days prior,
and was tremendously excited. “Do you want to see it Jester? Do
you want to see my leviathan? He’s already big enough to keep
in the swimming pool!" she squealed.
“Fuck you AND your leviathan," Jester said
crossly.
“Hmmph! Well at least I’m not going
to end up being a SQUID farmer for the rest of my life like SOME people!" She stormed away in a huff. Jester rather suspected Cousin Arpal had
a crush on him. He threw a barbecued baby leg at her back, and missed.
"I am such a loser," he muttered.
It suddenly occurred to him that Flipper would
be hungry by this time of day, and feeding him would be an excellent
excuse to escape the tedium of the Autopsy Family Reunion. "Ma!" he
called, "Goin’ upstairs to feed Flipper!"
“Hope he GROWS while you’re up there!”
she called back. Everyone laughed.
***
The tiny leviathan regarded the human with slimy, soulful eyes. The human was an impossibly stupid creature, but it fed him and lied to him and licked the snot from his tentacles when they clogged. And in spite of its stupidity and horrifying appearance, Flipper loved the human. He so enjoyed the human’s company that he even chose not to grow so he could stay with Jester, and it had hurt him deeply when the female leviathan had refused to mate with the boy. He couldn’t help his appearance, and Flipper still felt she should have taken pity on him.
***
Jester washed Flipper’s tentacles carefully with his tongue, grooming the pale scales to a shine. He thought perhaps if he looked a little better, Flipper would start to come out of his depression. But Flipper simply stared liquidly up at him, his forehead tubing twitching as if he were about to cry. Jester sighed and dumped the pailful of lion heads and beer into the bathtub. Flipper sloughed through them noisily, slurping and suctioning the fluid out, occasionally smacking his tentacles. Funny, thought Jester, it’s as if he’s trying to let me know he’s enjoying it.
***
Flipper
smacked his tentacles to let the boy know he was enjoying the food,
but the boy didn’t seem to understand. He clearly wasn’t
very bright.
“Who’s there?” Jester called, arranging the contents of his Leviathan Care Kit on the lid of the toilet.
“It’s Alice!”
Jester threw himself into the bathtub, covering Flipper’s body with his own so she couldn’t see how small he looked. “Come in!”
Alice was by far the most beautiful girl in Jester’s neighborhood, and sometimes she came over after school to play and molest the lawn furniture. Once he’d seen her get stuck in one of the neighbor’s lawn chairs when it folded up on her as a result of her enthusiasm, and she seemed to be enjoying it immensely.
Alice was fifteen years old with white hair and purple eyes with hourglass-shaped pupils. She was followed by a constant swarm of bees, and had a wreath of lilies growing out of her head in a crown. Jester was desperately in love with her. She was desperately in love with his lawn chairs.
Jester looked into her hourglass eyes, watched the yellow sand sifting slowly through them. “Ummm...hey...what’s up?”
“My parents stopped fighting, so I decided to come over here. I hope it’s okay. I just can’t take it when they’re nice to each other.” Tears welled up in her eyes. This of course was very dangerous, since the sand would solidify when wet and get stuck. Every time she cried, Alice went blind for a week.
“You’re always welcome here,” Jester said, smiling.
“Thanks. Say...you wanna go out...for some lizard malts or somethin’?”
“Is that - is this what I think it is? Are you asking me out?”
“Well...yeah.”
Jester fainted dead away.
When he came to, Flipper was sitting on his chest, squelching. Jester was lying in the bathtub, up to his chin in murky brown water. Alice was nowhere to be seen. Jester leapt to his feet, nearly dumping Flipper on the floor in the process. He looked around frantically. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe Alice would still go out with him. It was then that he noticed the trail of lily petals on the bathroom floor. He followed them out the door and through the labyrinthine halls of his house, through the indoor orchard, and up the attic steps. He took the stairs two at a time. “Alice!” he called. “Alice, come back! I love you!”
“Really?” came a whisper from the corner of the room.
“Really.”
Alice stumbled out of the corner of the attic room, her hands held out in front of her. She’d been crying. “I-I thought you didn’t like me!” she wailed.
“Shhh. Hold still.” Jester pulled a ballpoint pen out of his pocket and stuck it in her eye. The sand unclogged. He cleared the other eye the same way.
“I can see!” she exclaimed. Then she kissed him.
Alice pulled away. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“What’s that?”
“I...I think I’m pregnant. I had sex with you while you were unconscious. I hope it’s okay.”
“Okay?!” he exclaimed. “It’s fantastic! Come on! We have to go downstairs and tell Flipper!” Jester raced ahead of her, down the stairs, through the chapel, and the indoor orchard, and into the bathroom.
But Flipper was gone. There was a huge hole in the wall. To put it more accurately, the wall was gone. Jester walked to the edge, and hung his head. “He’s gone,” he said miserably.
“Oh! But look at this!” said Alice. “It’s a note.” She read it aloud.
Dear Jester,
I don’t know if you will understand this letter, but here goes. For the last several years I have stunted my growth in order to stay and take care of you, and I have not regretted it. I have greatly enjoyed raising you. But now you have found a mate, and I realize it is time for me to move on and let you be yourself. You’re a man now. I love you very much, and best of luck in all your endeavors.
Your Friend,
Flipper
Jester and Alice hugged.
Thirteen months later, Alice gave birth to a beautiful litter of lawn chairs, one lawn chair/leviathan hybrid that she was never able to adequately explain, and one perfectly ordinary human being. It had her eyes.
